~poly's journal

2026-01-28

Woke up again at 5am. Nice. But I must have had a REM dysfunction or something because I feel emotionally fucked. I saw my ex in my dream again (along with some other friends), the memories of us walking together. At some point, we sat down. I tried to get closer, but she backed off. And that's biting me real hard.

I think I really fucked up with her. She was a really good partner while I was an arrogant and ungrateful punk. I wish she'd still talk to me. A part of me wants to get back to her, but I know everything has changed and wouldn't be the same. To keep searching for the "same" is a mistake.

I shouldn't feel TOO bad about this, no? I got other things to do. As I said, I must do all the processing 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳. Not now. I know I am setting myself up for an emotional disaster later, but I must focus in stuff that are more important now.

2026-01-27

𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 2:

Lack of procedural fluency.

Atrophied skills.

𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 1:

Day 1 of actually waking up at 5am, and it is goddamn liberating. I never thought I'd be able to do this but I did. This is a goddamn win.

And 5am wisdom is telling me that I'd been a whiny, miserable, self-pitying little punk. I got way too overwhelmed yesterday. Now I feel much calmer and can do much better. I really want to get stuff done.

2026-01-26

Sometimes I just hate working with people. Too much bickering. I don't like it, especially when I am the one whining.

I think I am really bad at teamwork. Things get even more intense when it involves intellectual tasks. I tend to try to "dominate" the conversation. Gets weird when I know that I am probably not the one who's right. I am morally flawed.

This is why I feel that people are sometimes encroaching me. But that's probably not the case. They don't encroach me, I just refuse to stop massaging my ego.

This is something that I need to work on as well. But is now the right moment?

2026-01-24

Done with JEE attempt 1. It was subpar. I wish I'd done better.

But I got to learn so many things. Found so many systemic errors.

I am ready to fix them and get better at things.

I also want to write about my experience going to the exam venue and stuff because I couldn't find any information on the Web. SEO optimisation has killed everything. There's only a couple of edtech sites, blocking the view. Can't even read people's opinions.

2026-01-21

𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 2:

Feeling better. Got 110/360 in JEE mock. Better than yesterday's 90.

Gotta do much better. Many miles to go.

𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 1:

Extremely scared and unhappy. The scene before an important exam while having a massive identity crisis. Talked to a friend, and friends are good at saying "It's going to be okay, keep hope." Not saying that friends are bad; I am actually glad to have talked, but I have to do the dirty work to make it okay.

But dirty work is uncomfortable as fuck. Especially when it is mental/intellectual, not physical. The body can endure a lot. A LOT. The mind can only do so much. But I am trying to build up that endurance bit by bit.

I think doing some workouts will help a bit with the despair. It always has, and I haven't worked out properly since the last two days. I'll try that.

I need anchors. My pup's there, sure, and that's certainly a big relief. Quick dopamine hits. But I need something to keep my sanity in check.

Shall I read 𝘌𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳/𝘖𝘳 by Kierekegaard? Isn't that going backwards? God I feel like Clemence from Camus's 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘍𝘢𝘭𝘭. Been like that for a while now. Being a goddamn judge-penitent.

I am terribly upset about disappointing my parents too. Maybe I am just too disappointed at myself. Just done. Ego death.

I was thinking of writing something poetic at the end, but fuck that. Who cares?

2026-01-20

𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 3:

Big mistake: not studying from wayyy early, like middle school. I was always surrounded by mediocrity; was always the rank 1 out of dum dums. Never got to perform under-pressure. Never felt the 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮. But I need to perform now. Past's been bugging me on my ass.

I thought I had so much potential. Clearly, how I'd lived made me feel like that. But giving mock tests when entrance exams are 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 close... It's not a pleasure.

But I am grateful that I got to discover this before I'd gone to my college and actually started an adult life. Gosh I needed a reality check so bad.

Advice to my younger self: don't think that you're some amazing student just because you can say something nice, write a couple of good blogs, or make some YouTube videos. If you want to "identify" as a scholar, you have to put in the work. Dirty or not.

𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 2:

Lack of private standards.

I engage in self-sabotaging activities like reading eroticas and "stuff" whenever no-one is at home. I try to be in the discord study-with-me vc whenever I am studying and that helps to not do any such activities at that moment.

But whenever my cam is off... I don't know. It's not always, certainly. Just sometimes when I feel like "I deserve some break" or something.

I had quit porn sometime last year, eroticas stuck. I am not really sure it qualifies as porn; I guess it does and my mind is just trying to justify its usage.

Will be tackled after JEE.

𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺 1:

A change in mood and day schedule. Shifted my entire sleep routine by -2h30m.

I woke up at 6am today after probably a year or so. It was certainly challenging, but I am super proud of it. It's going to go in my cookie jar.

I want to make up for the time I lost yesterday due to the shifting and being tired, and study some more. I am aiming for about 7 focused hours today. Let's see how that goes.

2026-01-19

I feel unnecessarily desperate. Desperate to talk to my ex, desperate to not struggle academically, desperate to get some more sleep, desperate to create stuff. But it isn't noble.

This is a byproduct of the recent, and drastic, changes that I have imposed on myself for the greater good. Studying and grinding more (I have a big exam in 4 days), pushing my body- physically and mentally- to the limits.

The sacrifices are hard to make, considering that my brain had been seeking the path of least resistance for at least 10 of my waking years.

Plowing through.

2026-01-18

Been thinking of keeping a digital journal. Thought of using jrnl.sh on the ~green shell, but thought better to write here instead.

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